~JcZw

Something which I want to get down before I forget it. Sung in church today.

We see Jesus

For His suffering crowned with glory and with praise

Tasting death for all men by God's grace

Given power to put all things in place

And we see Jesus

Seated at the right hand of the throne

Making intercession for his own

Upholding all things by his word alone

For You are glorious!

Shining victorious over powers and principalities

For You are glorious!

Shining victorious, disarming all your enemies

The rulers of this world beneath your feet are hurled

As you reign, our conquering King

-For You are Glorious

Had a considerably sober end to the week. Feedback session with DO had good points and not so good ones, but credit to Paul, Ray and class comm for making it happen.

Over dinner, we had a uncharacteristically serious conversation first about religion, then on to Schindler's List, war in general, then Liesel asked "Do you all know what's happening in Mumbai" which we didn't cos like the rest of the Hall, we don't really keep up with the newspapers. What she proceeded to describe sounded like a horribly realistic action movie that she had just watched, but no, it was real, and bullets were flying, people were being blown to pieces and hotels were burning at that very moment when the four of us were sitting in the dining hall, fiddling with forks, half empty cups, and listening to her talk, generally aghast.

The thought of civilians, their normal lives suddenly interrupted in a welter of explosions and flying metal just made me cringe. A war with no rules, with people like us right in the middle of it (it could have been a country in which one of us had been doing electives in at that moment)

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Singapore was dragged into a war right now, at this very moment. If that happened, I wouldn't be under any illusion that being a medical student would prevent us (guys) from being called up as well. As the discussion wore on and we went on to the effects of war, the trauma, death and PTSD which is causes, I was just (rather morbidly) hypothesizing a situation in which I lost my closest friends but never would know the impact until peace came and I could think about it. Once or twice in sec school I did have dreams of friends who died (but, happily, are still alive). They weren't pleasant. If you stop and think of the implications and what ifs, it's kinda scary.

I recall watching live firing in the army, seeing the targets brought back in after the exercise, seen the damage done by a claymore or the detonation of a land-flame mine. Terrible weapons which cause so much damage to wood, plastic and concrete, let alone fragile flesh and bone.

So there I was in the dining hall, thinking morbid thoughts like "yes, what if there was a war?" "what if so-and-so were to die in front of me?" "would I really die for my country? would I do my duty?" etcetc. Terrible. Urgh. And no amount of Whose Line could clear away those thoughts.

The song we sang today really hit home. Every word in the chorus was a response to what I was thinking. Just made me realise that God's in control over all the leaders of the world, both of legal governments and the odd paramilitary deviant fellow who may be plotting his next attack. And truly "the rulers of this world beneath [His] feet are hurled". It made me feel much better and so much more secure while I was standing at my post near the laptop operator during worship today.

God has a knack of speaking right you need it.

~JcZw~ at 2:17 pm

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I feel quietly satisfied with the soccer game today though I know I shouldn't. At least part of the one goal was my fault, and it would be unbecoming of a keeper to be satisfied with anything less than a draw. To those who said "it's alright", no, its not. The important thing is to learn from it, that's all.

On to the match proper. The M4s were huge. I mean, huge. Like Ray / Maurice's height with twice the width. These two particular giants had me on my toes everytime they had the ball no matter how far away cos I was just gan jiong. And it paid off too, since the M4s fired in a lot of crosses, which fortunately I and my superb back 4 managed to pick off without too much incident. That said, I think the game against the M1s really boosted my confidence. I felt as though no high ball could outbounce me hahah...

But there was the odd moment of heart pounding excitement too. I will remember the one-on-one for life, where handball skills and reflexes in the short range encounter stood me in good stead. But credit must go to Wenjie for clearing the subsequent loose ball.

Am happy that I got the opportunity to play, and that my confidence has improved ever since the M1 match. See! Shows that with proper training, even the shortest people can be halfway decent goalkeepers. Vindicates me totally from last year's horrendous encounter with KE soccer. But still need to work on the kicking. My legs don't obey the rest of my body.

Also, my first singing (in sections) experience today! Very fun, though the bass section were pretty novice and all of us couldn't sight read =P but yea very fun! Looking forward to more carolling practs

Oh well its been a long day, I'm tired and there's rubor and tumor on my knees where the ground got in the way. Shall sing myself to sleep heh

~JcZw~ at 10:50 pm

Sunday, November 23, 2008

When I went to the Selangor Open earlier this year (2 weeks before SPOTS, I remember), I had the dubious pleasure of fencing the coach from NUS. Come to think of it, I'm the only one who has fenced against him competitively in an individual event so far that I'm aware of.

There I was on the strip facing this giant who seemed to be twice my size. On the "allez", he took a ginormous step forward to get priority and that, combined with an arm extension, left his point almost at my chest. I took two controlled steps back, which turned into four quicker ones as he came on like a battering ram. Out flashed the oncoming foil. I did one quarte, but he disengaged and did the flick I was expecting and which I picked off with a prime. Or I wouldn't say picked off. Such was the force of the flick (or should I say, sabre stroke) that my wrist was nearly turned into my forearm. There was no way I could have stopped the follow up attack which hit fairly on my right lower abdomen.

Just like that. One clash of steel on steel, one whirlwind of motion, one flash of the blades and there was one light on the scoreboard. Time elapsed... erm.... 6 seconds?

In retrospect, COFM was like that. Studied one whole round and stuff which I didn't expect all that much comes out hahah...Ah heck. Most exams are anyway

~JcZw~ at 4:34 pm

Saturday, November 22, 2008

CA1 is finally over. What a journey it was too. Hopefully everything turns out ok though. Things are mostly looking good except for immuno which went very wrong, but I also don't dare to judge.

With every CA, my studying habits modify and refine slowly to have the greatest work-benefit ratio (kinda like like affinity maturation). To compensate, the subjects get proportionally harder, the memory required increasingly outrageous. Keeps life interesting...

Went out to play Lan for the first time since the sem started with the OG guys. I realised there are so few of us left in the Lan-group nowadays hahah... Cannot even form one infantry section. But it was massively fun. We all hadn't lost our touch, and if anything our coordination was better than ever before heh. Battlefield 2's expansion pack is darn nice. I've always wanted to own an original Battlefield 2 (though dunno when I have time to play also). Wouldn't mind getting an expansion pack either heh. Only thing is that I kept thinking about atropine and organophosphate -_-"'

Coming up on the agenda is buying stethoscopes, PBL and its associated outings =) Also hallplay and IHG training. I find myself not infrequently praying that I'll be able to carry out the duties assigned to me and not annoy or let anyone else down. Hope I've left most of that behind in my more immature years. Must remember not to mind other people's expectations of me, but to stick to my own and to God's.

Oh well its late and I'm tired. Just like to say thanks to the kind souls who have helped and encouraged me through the CA. All the best to you all too as you all take your own papers.

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance, forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

-Those were the days, Mary Hopkins

~JcZw~ at 1:19 am

Friday, November 14, 2008

"Ye Qu" by Jay Chou is, without question, one of the hardest songs I have ever tried to whistle in my life.

Two weeks into the first CA. Its been a lull and I can't seem to get the momentum back =/ Feel as though every bit of energy was burnt on microB. Results for the above-mentioned came back earlier today, patho a few days earlier. Both did okok, but wish they could be better. I know there were stupid mistakes here and there.

The highlight of the week was probably going to Kbox for the second time in my life with my PBL / anat group. Not that a lot went, but the company was good and we had an absolutely hilarious time before, during and after the thing. Quote of the week goes to Daniel for thinking that Ami had called him a "Hapten" when she had actually said "Captain". Diao. Or as Daniel says, doiing... Had considerable interaction with this group of friends (plus our honorary members KP and Walter) this week cos of Kbox and PDCP which was held yesterday.

I sometimes wonder over the truly miraculous set of circumstances which have brought our anat / PBL group close to each other. The main contributing factors was probably cos a large number of us stayed in hall, and also we came from a few big OGs (1/3 of the PBL group came from Lovelock in Year 1!), so there was great... err... cross-linking heh. Next was the good mix of JCs which prevented you to gravitating to those from your own school. Last but probably most importantly were Profs L, B and N who bonded us considerably with both stick and carrot heh.

Two particular incidents this week left its mark. One was Daniel saying "I can't imagine myself in another group", the second when we were eating lunch before PDCP and were saying that we had to "promise to meet up even during clinical years". I couldn't agree with the first one more, and I certainly would like to keep the second.

Well hmmm I certainly don't know what else to say since my head's full of pharmacokinetics, but its safe to say that I thank God for bringing the people whom he has brought my way so far in med school!

~JcZw~ at 10:36 pm

Saturday, November 08, 2008

A short respite before the next set of CAs...

2 weeks to the next set

But over this weekend I shall give myself a good break. If anything I feel absolutely drained by microB and immuno. Just feel like sleeping and sleeping hahah.... Sometimes I feel like my life went on hold for Med Year 2. I've stopped fencing for a long time, and have stopped doing stuff like playing computer too. Now its either Hall or Med, so I'm grateful I have the weekend to putter about at home.

Cleaned my room on Wednesday after Neuro. I opened the file on general microbiology and got reminded that skin scales spread disease. I think that has been the line which I've taken most to my heart in the whole year! So now I can slide around on my room floor and sleep on it when it gets too hot at night =D

Thursday night didn't disappoint. Stayed in my room through lunch and ate cup noodles, and my 5 pm I was so hyperactive and in need of fresh air (even though my doors and windows are always open), so got up with my Virology tables and walked up and down the corridor a few times, to the surprise of Adrian.

By 11 pm I felt so devastatingly drained, my brain so infuriatingly squishy, that I decided to drop everything and join the handball team for the last 20 min of the last formal training. Got there and realised that I had missed quite a lot cos Greg had been teaching new keeper techniques and training =/ oh heck... Of course, moved very slowly during the senior vs junior game cos was pretty worn out, but since I was playing on the senior side, I wasn't troubled too much. But still... how to improve for IHG???

Friday was ok I guess. I just hope I can pass. During the break between the papers a group of us KEVII medics just got into a corner and scared each other with all kinds of things we weren't sure of haha... Think I was too aggressive with the first paper and too scared with the second. Aiyz. Too late anyway.

Had PBL after that. Its so funny watching people's reactions to us having PBL immediately after CA =D but as we said, I don't think we would have agreed to PBL after CAs if our group had not already been pretty close to each other. Met OG and watched Tropic Thunder too, which I must say is one of the most slapstick shows I have ever seen, comparable to, say, Hotshots. Only that it had a lot of crudeness which I didn't appreciate, but oh well, we've all heard our fair share in the SAF, though "we will never be able to curse as fluently as them" according to Sheila haha...

Sigh have been wondering about my future with VCF. On one side there is Medicine, on the other, KE. Been with the latter for a year and already find that I cannot commit the time I would like to too them. Personally I don't think it makes me a worst Christian - I still talk to God and I still read the Bible. I still believe in all the "correct" things. But people seem to judge on how much you do ("How come so-and-so does this-and-this and you don't?" "If so-and-so can do it, why can't you?" [Has it occured to people that I'm NOT so-and-so??]).

Then I start to wonder whether I'm in VCF because I want to, or because people whom I hold in high esteem, an elder sibling, a respected instructor from AHSJAB, is also. Guess these thoughts have been lying latent in my mind for a long time now, its just that recent events have caused them to resurface with a certain measure of frustration. Do I even believe in VCF at all? Either KE or Med or whatever? Is not signing up for the various courses etc a sign of a waning faith?

CAs which have a different definition from other faculties. Academic years which start and end at different times. Lessons which sometimes start at 8. The variable timetable. What is the line between faith and realism? What is the boundary between trusting in God, but also putting in your best?

I had a choice last year: KE or Medicine CF. I guess one way or another, its my own hole that I've dug and I've got to make the best of it.

~JcZw~ at 8:16 pm

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Have been spending the last few days holed up in my room reading about various diseases, lesions, general mishaps, as well as listening to Chinese songs. Yes, from one of the Chinese songs I keep in my Youtube favourites, I linked to one random song after another. So I've listened to quite a few, but I can't remember what they're called nor who sang them if they're not Jay Chou.

Patho was reasonable. Don't think I will do too badly. Neuro could go either way, cos I ran out of time, and cos I was gan jiong, I forgot the all my model answers about membranes and just wrote with whatever I had in my head. Yup... so did it autonomically rather than somatically, as it were.

The big M&I is coming up. I really hope the questions are of the same standard that have been appearing in our emails. I SHOULD have a fighting chance then. By that, I mean that I should be able to pass. Of course, there's always the chance that my ego will get the better of me, I will think I know an answer when actually I don't, and I will end up owning myself. The seniors all say that negative marking really catches many many people out. I guess we're about to find out how bad.

Still, the funny thing is that in year 2 I'm motivated to do well, not to just pass, for some personal reasons. And I wonder how to do that...

Last of all, I say again that CAs are inopportunely placed. KE's last handball training is tomorrow night. Am wondering whether I dare to take half and hour off and play in the weekly game tomorrow (i.e. not attend the training but just go and play). And I'm feeling guilty for having such incongruous thoughts. Sigh.

Oh well, shall grab a quick nap and continue.. Cheerio.

~JcZw~ at 1:46 pm

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Occasionally I feel indifferent to the CAs. Maybe the seniors have scared me so much that I've given up worrying.

Just had a random thought a week back. If I survive Year 2 and get promoted with reasonable grades while carrying out my duties in hall, this will have been the most fulfiling year of my life. But there's still 4 months to that.

Still, as we know from OCS, 4 months passes way fast... Sigh

The darkest hour is just before dawn (and its scientifically proven)

~JcZw~ at 1:04 am