~JcZw

When a casualty is crushed by a heavy object, urea and other toxins from the cells are trapped at the region of the injury. After a length of time, if the object is removed, these toxins rush back to the heart, along the passages of the vena cavae. The heart races. The lungs draw breathe furiously. Septic shock sets in, and the ECG flatlines.

I don't know how to describe my emotions at this point in time. Its been the same for the past three weeks... sheer exhaustion, still the occasional bout of insomnia, the panic attacks and all... There is not enough space for everything in my brain.

Its impossible to write out my thought processes here. You'd just get a jumble of static, and what you can make out in the clutter wouldn't sound very nice either. Just pure confusion (not unlike this post). I had to count my row 4 times today during chem lect to distribute papers cos I kept losing count no matter how hard I tried to concentrate. Think I'm going to become schizo in the near future. Who wouldn't when you have to be so many things at one go. I wish so much that I could just be myself, and the positions I hold without having to be a secretary, senior, a teacher-in-charge, a coach (in the parlance of the average sport) and so much more all rolled into one. I have enough worrying about my own fencing performance, my results, a chinese exam which is so within reach, and which I still so don't understand. I don't need the aggravation from outside. I'm well aware of our dire straits. I don't need the reminders that things are going badly, and that fencing, in the eyes of the school has budged maybe a nanometer. I don't need the lack of energy and the incessant worry.

They just go on and on and they never realise that the line "Let's just close down fencing" haunts the team captain night after night. It was barely bearable a year ago, but when people still expressed doubts now... No matter what you do, what you win. Watching your CCA stagnate, its capability questioned, while everyone else rushes ahead. Heartbreaking, to say the least. Despite the effort.

I just need a person to talk to and tell that person everything that's corroding my being. A person that can understand fully what I'm feeling. Can there ever be enough time and can there be a person with enough patience? How could you explain 1 year's worth of what you yourself and no one else feels. Maybe that's why I've resorted to talking to my blog. Silly dumb immature.

Because people usually just think "not again" or "you have an attitude problem". Thanks.

Totally uninspiring. Dear God, please point me back on the right path and let me last out the year