~JcZw

Tonight I'm called upon to make one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, namely if I should retake my Chinese. That will affect my life in Term 2, the June hols, and possibly the timetable of my classmates

Strictly speaking, what I got is enough to get me anywhere. Unfortunately, with the standards being continually raised (which is what I still believe I owe my miserable sec. 4 HCL grade to), it will not be suficient to "keep my options open".

Moreover its also a matter of pride. A lack of belief that I could actually get a below-par grade for 3 years running.

Yet for me, such is my fear of Chinese, tomorrow if I go to the staff room and tell her "yes", it will be like voluntarily stepping back into a nightmare which I thought I'd escaped twice, and into which I've been dragged back once already. I simply cannot come to terms with having to live with Chinese again, memorizing all those words which I've never comprehended, having to sit for an extra exam, having to do all that homework.... Homework that constituted about 2/3s of my Year 1 workload. Somehow even though I tried to keep on top of my assignments (including staying up till 3 am to finish a compo once), sacrifice is never enough to get the job done. What else do they want man

In one sentence, I fear, I dread, a return to chinese, its been a living hell for me to take chinese since young, but then again my conscience will not let it rest if I just let it go like this. And this time its with a shattered sense of confidence to boot.

What a way to live life. sigh