~JcZw

Ok ok, I shall change the picture soon... Just give me till my competitions are over...

Exactly one year ago (not the exact date, but on the second wednesday of the term):

1. Dory got hit by a fruit from a tree

2. Phoon got hit by a fruit that hit Dory from a tree

3. Desmond got suan-ed cos he was in close proximity with Phoon (who got hit by a fruit that hit Dory from a tree) and Dory herself.

4. We ate at ECP Macdonald's with Angele and Ian

5. Xunai, Dawn and I went to watch Phoon go for dance auditions (actually Stella and a few others were there too, but Phoon was the most distinctive one... having a distinctly different genetic makeup on the 23rd pair).

6. I first heard the word "monosaccharide" I think

Just some random memories.

Beats whats happening this year hollow though.... I envy the Year 1s cos, well, they are Year 1... but I sorta pity them too cos they only have a month and a half rather than 2 months like us...
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Its not healthy, and its not pleasant to harbour feelings of anger, hatred even, throughout the day. Like the toxins building up in a broken limb, the emotions permeated the body and saturated every nerve, every receptor.

Throughout the day, throughout lessons. No appetite to eat, but feeling slightly sick. The thoughts floated again and again. Why was it this way? Why did it keep happening again and again. Why did it have to happen now, on such an important week? Everyone looked so happy, and it was as though viewing them through a barrier... that they could be feeling like that but somehow I couldn't.

Smiling was a just a facade... A desperate attempt to disguise a panic which couldn't, or which I couldn't afford to let, overtake... But like walking on thin ice, all it required was a little pressure.

It was so cold in FM... Rain drizzling down outside, combining with the aircon to ventilate the warehouse. Wire into reel and into blade, peering through the grill of the mask at the opposing fencer.

The blades flew and met, clashed, withdrew. Floating into that impromptu dance. But so clumsy. So distracted. Pressure. Stress. And the opponent was so graceful. Landing hit after hit after hit, once, twice, three times... But the blade in the hand did not meet any target. The point rose to the left, dipped to the right, but never did it hit.

If it were competition, so dead.

Parry sixte, septime, prima, octave. The other blade danced around my parries. And always it hit... a tenth, a eleventh...

The bout was over so fast. And the pressure was met. Every shred of anger, frustration rode its way into physical manifestation in tears. The leader should never break. But probably it was a lack of courage... maybe it was just too overwhelming a task, to handle a teacher and a competition on the same week.

Two weeks of emotions came pouring out then... Why was it always the week before the competition that the tears came?

The two of them came around to ask me why... I couldn't explain... it was too long and too bitter to. But it slowly came out over the next 1 hour or was it 2? Why was it that people from other schools could so much more concern than some of mine...

What was left? No anger... no frustration... Just a grim sense of calm. Just exhaustion. On Saturday I'll see how well I can fufill my duty.

I'm not recollecting bitter memories... I'm just stating what happened in fm without being too explicit. Yes yes, say what you like, it is actually possible for a guy to be that upset... I'm sorry if I've let down anyone, or our club's image though...

Thanks, Jeri and Junjie... I think I'll feel better tomorrow...