~JcZw

7.51 am. I should be on my way to AHS for SJ now, but was feeling quite sick this morning. My digestive system's not working properly sighz. And I don't feel particularly inclined to have to run to the toilet continually during training.

Probably something that I ate yesterday, combined with a lot of unhealthy habits, of which lack of sleep is definitely one of the more significant ones. Yeah, I had another poor night last night.

I stayed up quite late talking to friends and talking to my mother... There seems to be an overwhelming number of things to worry about...

There's PW, planning out our video n stuff, but at least here everyone has something to do, so thats alright.

There's fencing. No training this week, last week or this coming week. Call me sadistic, but something makes me feel uncomfortable each time my classmates have to rush for training after PW, cos even in this period their CCAs can find time to train. But for us, with members who are not committed, a teacher who's main concern is that we get home safely and such a high cost, to have training now would simply mean people wouldn't turn up, and with each person that doesn't turn up, the cost increases by almost $2. More admin headache.

There's nothing I can do that can seem to curb this. But with my one year in VJ fencing almost up, it seems that I have managed to get the club to progress little.

There's St. John. Their absymally poor showing on wednesday had me more that disappointed. It made me genuinely scared for St. John's future. When I was still a cadet, St. John was acknowledged as one of the best uniform groups in the school... We were the envy of the other groups in drill, in discipline, in our bonding. What I saw on wednesday couldn't have come from the best uniform group. It was more like a showing from a club. There is no way St. John can continue functioning like that if pumping continues to be banned.

4 people falling out within 6 minutes of training when your only physical activity is running from the classroom to the parade square? Come on, 6 minutes?! That kind of physical level is worst than that of as performing arts group! Shame on you all man! n whats worst is that some of you weren't genuine. Some of you faked injury. You think that after almost 5 years my squadmates and I can't tell the diff between a real and fake sickness? Such people are worst than lazy, they are disgusting. They deserve to be shot (by the way, that's what happens to such people in the army during wartime).

And still there is little I can do also. But I am super disappointed. Yeah, I know some of you, especially several NCOs are doing your best, yup, keep at it! Its only cos of these few that make coming back to St. John for training worth it =) But the others, I have nothing to say to you all. Maybe just this: Don't keep apologizing for being AP when you evidently don't mean it.

To cap it all off there was a terrific lightning storm last night. I was sleeping when suddenly the room lit up like a photo negative and the subsequent thunder clap sounded as though an artillery shell had gone off. I couldn't go back to sleep after that... The thunder kept me awake for almost an hour. Sighz.

But at the end of the day, why do I still care about fencing and St. John? What is it that makes it worth it to continue struggling against what seems inevitable? Or maybe I should have just left everything and gone to join air rifle or hockey at the start of the year. A smart person does not take a cruise on a sinking ship.

"Ain't nothing but a heartache, ain't nothing but a mistake"
-I want it that way, Backstreet Boys

(yeah in fact, I do listen to music thats really outdated)