~JcZw

There are some things that only leaders can know. One might think its the pleasure of commanding. The prestige that comes with the position. They are sadly mistaken. The rewards only come once in a long time. And for the remainder of that long time, you fight against your personal ghosts. My squadron has known this pain and sometimes still knows it now.

Lets put it this way. Ideally during CCA every NCO should be coldly efficient. Chatting, smiling, should be rare (unless of course, done in sarcasm. Refer to Camp 2001). Only after CCA do the emotions flood out and everyone becomes human again. In a CCA, sometimes you slide into a mode where you don't see your friends as Soo Yee, Wei Quan, Si Hui, Evelyn, Wei Lun and Jiayan, but as Vice-OC, HP members, Squad 2 ICs. And its in this mode where sometimes you have to ask your friends to do things you wouldn't ask them to do in normal student life, only because you are supposed to lead them. And then satisfaction at a distribution of manpower combined with a repulsion at what always seems like, but is not, an abuse of power. How do I describe it? If I had it my way, I'd do everything on my own, so that I would know whats going on. But that, of course, is foolish and impossible. Not because my squadmates are inefficient mind you, but out of maybe, a selfish wish to save yourself some guilt later on.

But worst than telling people what to do, is when you tell people what they cannot do. I remember when OCC asked me "Shall I tell them, or do you want to?" Since they were of my division. And if I told them, I'd regret it. And if I didn't I'd regret it even more. They deserved to have someone they knew tell them, not an officer they didn't know as well, just because I wanted to spare myself.

So on Mock Comp 2003, I told NC2 that they would not take part in the Zone Comp. Its easier to forgive others than forgive yourself.

The difference between scolding your own squad and scolding your juniors... Your own squad knew what you were going through, cos they had either gone through it before also, otherwise they were going through it now. They understood fully with near-telepathic clarity what you were thinking. But with your juniors, it was an unknown factor. You don't know how much you can push them before they reach breaking point. If you had faith in them, you pushed them further. If you didn't, you didn't go so far, and that was all the worst for their future development.

I recall treading very fine lines....making sure that any punishment was done out of need, not out of personal emnity. Only one thing could make me angry and that was if a person was insubordinate to me or my squad. Why? Because firstly, it was not their place to question us, especially in front of juniors. Secondly, cos these people were so one-sided in their arguments that the only line that worked on them was "Because I say so and I'm the NCO". I, you could say, hated that line. It only settled the argument, but not their own doubts in the system. But if you did not terminate the quarrel (See! Not even a civil talking session anymore), then it would just go on and on.

I dunno how to express.... My 4th year in St. John, you could say it was the toughest and scariest year (And i didn't even get 5 CCA points like the other CCA leaders... hmph.. but who cares anyway). But in the toughest times you learn the most about friendship I guess (Refer to Biggles stories)

Depressing post I know... kinda incoherent too