~JcZw

Time I updated I guess. I got a lot of things to think about, and I should be glad of my birthday resolution, otherwise I'd also have a lot of things to complain about.

The problem with ISFJ people is that when they're left alone they tend to think too much. Especially true for me, since I'm not "Intuitive" (S instead of N) I can't really detect what other people feel if they don't show it. A shortcoming that has plagued me since St. John days. So I start thinking of what I did, then what other people did, and whether I did anything to other people. Needless to say, the thinker, the "organic meatbag" (quote, HK47, Knights of the Old Republic) becomes very worried at the end of his thinking session.

Believe me, I had a lot of time to think today after the celebration. After all, I was alone with just my MP3 player for company when I went to Bedok to walk around, see if I could find the Aerieans as well as to look for stationery for a project. Of course, by the time I reached home, I was thoroughly depressed and snappish.

This topic of friends.... is one that is possibly the third most important to me (after God and family). How does one describe the different friends I've experienced throughout my school years?

In Primary School, it was a pretty close knit bunch of friends I had, mainly cos the teachers were scary (so we suffered together. Kong Hwa still reminds me of a prison camp when I think back). School buses also served as a medium for interaction. Although, as I've mentioned to some people, before I really began to know God in Upper Sec Sch, I could be really cheerful, but also flare up and lose my temper very fast. Yup. Primary School, in terms of friendship, could be one of the most valuable of my school life (We just met up not long ago this year!) Ah, for those innocent days..

Secondary school was a rude shock. For the first time I saw how ugly "friends" could be. Sec. 1 was okay, I thought everyone was fine, I had a sense of belonging to my class and all that. Sec. 2 was the one where, in starfighter command parlance, "Got vaped". I thought if I'd treated everyone nicely then everything would be okay. Such naivety. Instead people could take advantage of me. It was then that I stopped being extrovert and willing to make friends. It was then I shut myself up. It was then I thoroughly detested coming to school, to see the green AHS building in the dawn light. I dreaded coming to class, for it seemed I was so different from the rest. My experiences in sec. 2, the E. Lit project, the National Day Art incident, and above all, the horrendous NC Koh incident, which I've narrated time and time again to people, showed me how mean and rude and UNREASONABLE others could be. It was in sec. 2 that I lost my temper for the last time till the present day, thank goodness. And thank God, there were a few nice people who let me preserve my sanity during lesson, Evelyn, Lu Jia, etc

But for every action there's an equal opposite reaction. Since I could not find a niche in my class, I turned to the Aerieans of the St. John unit. There I found greater friends, friends whom I could really respect. Friends whom I could share thoughts and bond well with. How do I say it? In sec. 2 despite all the discipline and all which dogs a uniform group it was the best time with the SJers.

Come sec. 3, I think I took a longer time to make friends. I no longer wanted to open up so fast. But I did in the end. Some of my best friends at the end of my run in AHS were only made in the second semester of Sec. 3, like HuiYong.

By the end of sec. 4, I had firmly decided that all I needed was a small group of friends, the "country" way of thinking compared to the "city" way of thinking. Of course, it always had its disadvantages. After exams, or after school events, so long as I wasn't with the SJers I would be alone. Maybe this was the start of the thinking thing. Esp I didn't have an MP3 player at that time, so I really could think.

Of course, things changed in JC. People opened up so fast, and this time (it seemed), everyone was frank and honest with nothing to hide. Like I mentioned once "I was an introvert torn open by my surroundings". In the first 3 months, everyone was back to the innocence of Primary School, well, almost. Just the feeling of belonging to the class yar =) 05S15. It was the first time that I looked forward to coming to school... Theres something more to this feeling than simply that people had nothing to hide y'know? Its like, there were also people of the same character, of the same values, people who were also down-to-earth, instead of wild and foolhardy (There was once when a Sec. Sch classmate flung a lighted sparkler into the middle of a operational road, just as a car was passing by. The action was deliberately done, and i really feel disgusted that I didn't do anything about it at that time. It was such a reckless, stupid and childish thing for a sec. 2 student to do). Yup. I guess.

Sometimes though, I just feel like sitting back and doing some thinking again. Its sort of a integral part of me now... Since I'm very relational (Obviously I trust people a lot, otherwise I wouldn't own a blog), one of the primary things I'm concerned about is making sure I am worthy of another person's friendship. Cos I don't think I could be happy without friends. In sec. 3, when at the height of comp training my parents brought us to Australia, I dreamt about my squad virtually every single night.

That day during Operation Backwoodsman, when that guy said that ISFJs are the kind which steroetypically do a lot for their friends, it jolted me cos thats how I feel sometimes, that I'd do a lot to keep a friendship and to let others be happy. Of course, whether this happens in real life or not is a different matter and not for me to judge.

Yup... I think this makes me feel some sort better... Back to my project now...