~JcZw

Okay. I know I'm lag at this. Please be a bit understanding. I've been feeling a bit weird over the past few days. Like no energy. No particular desire to be quick or cold as usual. Its just like theres no battery. Maybe I should stick my hand into the giant electric socket in V48. The following description of JAE is not being dramatized, although it seems so. Its what actually happened.

JAE came and went and left me gasping. The morning was the worst one I have ever known. Slept at 1.30 am and woke at 7.30, not long after my brother had pushed off to school. I went online and talked to several classmates. I can't really remember who, its all a blur now. Geraldine and Li Ling, I think.

Left at 1 pm, with my mother's voice dinning in my ears that no matter what the result just call back and tell her.

I reached school and when I stepped in I promptly broke into a cold sweat. I just couldn't think about what it would be like if I had to leave VJ. Or if my friends couldn't stay. I walked past the classrooms which had been so familiar just a short time ago, straing straight ahead, hoping I wouldn't meet anyone I knew. Teachers walking past stared at my sports shoes, the red and gold badge on my collar, and probably at the expression on my face and they probably knew I was one of the 384 students coming back.

At the hall I met Wei Quan and some other Mount Kinabalu people. All the netball girls were there I think... They also wished us well, and I really hope I didn't disappoint them. All my classmates were streaming in. Green of Temasek, red of Catholic Junior College, silver of Meridien, and of course the few of us from Victoria. Janice, Qi Xin, Li Shan, Wei Lun, Evelyn, Lu jia etcetc were all back.

I barely heard the statistics as the new principal read them off. Our average L1R5 was 10.70. Apparently we shattered AH record by at least 1.5 points or something. Not bad. But one caused my heart to freeze. As if something had just dislocated the atrium from the ventricle.

Higher Chinese.

65% pass.

I knew I wasn't in the top 65% of the school. Definitely not.

I can't remember how I got my yearbook and my JAE booklet. I was focusing on the result slips in Mr Peach's hand. He was not long in calling my name either.

He glanced at my slip

"Not bad. You ought to be happy with that". I smiled back nervously and looked at it. And nearly choked.

One and two and one and one and one and two. But right at the bottom, next to the row titled "Higher Chinese". I saw a 5 letter word. I dimly felt my phone buzz. The toneless beep of a message. I withdrew my phone, trying desperately to make out what that word was. The letters ran into each other.

Seven. I'd failed the subject I had spent 2/3 of the year concentrating on.

I think I stared at it for about 5 seconds. I think everyone was staring at me also, as people would when assessing the reaction of each others results. And, my friends told me later, they could tell something was amiss.

I think I was stupid to have focused on the 7 at the bottom of the sheet, instead of the 7 that my L1R5 was. In my mind dimly I recall my sister getting 7 for HER os. I could recall that a person with 7 could safely stay in VJ. I should have been happy that my sciences got 1 and 2, vindicating the thoughts that I was lousy at physics.

I didn't. It was a childish, futile display of anger when I struck the ground so hard that my hand went numb, the phone creaking ominously in its case. As if in cue, it buzzed with a short beep. The words "Home" were flashing on its LCD screen. I couldn't recall what number was "Home" or what it symbolized. I picked up the phone and answered.

The resulting exchange was pretty much what I'd expected. I think I was crying and laughing. I saw Wei Lun stooping in front of me

"Hey Jonana! You okay not?" I couldn't talk. But he knew. He'd known me for four years ever since we'd been the two shortest people in the squad in sec. 1. He'd comforted me when I'd got B3 for chinese in sec. 3. He'd recognized the signs again.

I can't remember what I said, but I think I managed to convey that my higher chinese was about the same as the cost of 1 and a half rostis in marche. But he was laughing, thumping me on the back, telling me, as he had done the other time, with the utter flamboyance, that he'd done as badly.

Its unique in Wei Lun that he reacted like this. To others, and if it came from others, it would probably have seemed insensitive. But not from him. His was an optimistic its-not-as-bad-as-it-looks-focus-on-the-bright-side stand. Which I appreciate very much =)

I looked around. Evelyn and Wei Quan. Soo Yee. They were all happy, laughing about their results. I had the best L1R5 among them, yet I was the most upset. That was stupid. Utterly and totally. I can't remember exactly how I'd recovered. But the sensation of utter happiness and sadness at the same time was scary.

And the SMSes had been pouring in. But the first person I'd contacted was my sister in NUS. She reassured me that it was okay, and that it wouldn't affect me as much as I thought it would have. Then I replied messages from Derek and Li Ling. I called MaryAnn from OASIS and duly reported as she had requested the day before. I managed to get Dory and Dawn, and much later on, Jon ChuaH. A few hours later I also managed to SMS Stella.

JAE took its toll on all of us, both emotioinal and mental. Things seem to have changed. As I told Li Ling not 15 minutes ago, one week ago I could imagine our class still together for two years, and the only worries had was for myself. But now it seems that our class could take up to 8 losses. And which students could be good enough to replace them? The class which usually was so lively and enthu has suddenly become very dampened. Quiet.

I felt as bad when I was pulled out of the St. John division. Never envisioned it could happen again so fast.

I don't know. I don't know. But hopefully at the end of the day everything will be sorted out. Don't get me wrong, I am happy and thankful to God that I managed to get 7. But now everything that I had looked forward to for the past 2 months seems to be falling apart.

Hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. Don't mean to put anyone down or anything.... Just feeling kinda sad. Have you noticed the lack of activity in our class today? I think they feel it too.