~JcZw

Great. Things were just looking up, and now it looks like downhill all the way.

The first indication was when the *bleep* tagboard went down. Well, I'm giving it one more day to reload, if not I'm gonna convert to flooble.... Went surfing other blogs... ChuaH's one also seems down, so is my squad blog one... bleah...

Second indication was when fencing on monday was brought forward so that in the end it DID clash with SLV. Oh well... SLV was fun yeah... although I think we scared the kids with our mass dances? Hehz... if I saw a crowd of gigantic people coming at me yelling "ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah" I would like scream and run away.

Tuesday. Sighz. Seems that every teacher that I go to about taking various subjects just thinks that I can't do it. Well, it seems IMPROBABLE that a person can study higher chinese intensively for 2/3s of 2004 and STILL get a stupid D7. Fine lar, my fault. I can't believe I was still telling my friend that it was an easy paper on 1st nov 2004. Okay fine, I must have fouled up my compo or compre or something. And thats a stupid waste of 4 years of taking higher chinese. Ultimately I'll still have to take again. Huh.

Huh

Huh

Huh

And so off we go to see the teacher and she tells me that the moment she saw my handwriting she knew I couldn't make it. Yeah right. YEAH RIGHT. The moment I saw her hairstyle I thought she was a trifle eccentric too. Huh. She can judge people by their HANDWRITING? Like real lor. Anyway she was like realllll encouraging. Every chinese teacher from my tuition teacher to this teacher doesn't believe that I tried my best.

Because they didn't actually SEE me studying.

To the typical singaporean its just unbelievable that you can study for so long and still fail. Heck, its even unbelievable to me lor. I'm trying to figure out two things. How did I get D7 for HCL and how did I get 7 for my L1R5 when I spent my whole time studying higher chinese and neglecting the rest of my subjects. Everything else I kind of only studied for one day lar, but higher chinese by the actual day of the exam I could virtually memorise the sec 3 and 4 shou ce. I could do all the tian xie and all the zao ju perfectly lar.

And when I told that to my teachers they just said "are you sure your perfect is the perfect of the standard of others". Wah. So not insulting. Its enough to make people turn caucasian. Not that I want to, of course. But come on lar. Sometimes I feel just like exploding and throwing some stuff at certain things. Or people.

Some people ask me why sometimes I just stone and don't do anything. Why I can suddenly freeze up. Its because certain parties have not simply TOUCHED a raw nerve. They have HAMMERED a raw nerve until the only emotion left is anger. Do teachers expect students to perform better through anger?

I can like act so fake in school. Act like my battery is full. I used to wonder what it was that made me feel down besides the fact that people are going to leave the class. I know now. Its because I would have to face this. Which I totally don't understand how previously I could study for a week and get a B3. And this time. Whatever. Other people wouldn't understand. Because there is no one else in the same situation. Except maybe one. But that person's character is so different from mine.

I've heard it all.

"Wah! You can take higher chinese arh?"
"Your chinese cannot make it lar"
"You studied enough or not?"

Theres much more than that. It was bad enough when my CL2 got a pathetic B3 in sec. 3. That should have been an indication. But I thought I could do it. Thats why the moment I got back my CL2 results I studied harder than ever for HCL. And the result was even worst.

Can someone tell me why? I bet not. Its becoming difficult to sleep at night. There are just so many things to think of. 5 less periods of free time I can take. But DO NOT insult the efforts I've put in.

Ever heard the phrase "If you succeed in your dream you are a hero. If you fail you are just a dreamer and a fool". I hear it all the time nowadays. Ringing through my head.

Laugh. Go on, laugh. I don't care. What does it matter anyway. I have friends who know me, whether they're in VJ or not. I have God who has planned my life and the path I will take.

So we shall see. If I can do well at the end of this year. If I can, I will be a "hero". If I can't I will just remain a dreamer and a fool.

Bleahh

=(
=(