~JcZw

~JcZw~ at 7:53 pm

Thursday, March 24, 2005

The depth of a friendship is very difficult to fanthom. But I'm pretty sure that I've got this one figured out. Today let me consider a few things.

O2 is now over. Apparently we got 2 new additions to our class although we don't know who. S15 is the elite of the elite when it comes to making people mad n enthu (n late for class). Admittedly it wasn't quite fun. But the SCs, CTs n House Comm members have less than half the time for orientation that there was in O1. So much of the fun parts have to be taken out and the serious things put in. O2 was never an accurate picture of VJ's actual culture. Its not like that in any other JC either. So don't fret about it, be you second-intaker in VJ or any other JC =) But it ended quite well. I'll elaborate about that later.

Most of the class if not all did not come for the programme today. Sadly I had first aid duty, so with my pink FA kit I was wandering around in the school compound. That I was feeling upset wasn't so much about being alone.... it was because I was given an opportunity to think of things. About how different they were.

During assembly I had to stand in front of the OSSIS row. You won't know how significant that means to me. True, we will be in contact, but its different.

I would have given a lot to hear the cheerful and maybe even hysterical snippets of conversation and laughter from Prap.

I would have given a lot to hear Dawn's cheerful "Hello!"

I would have given a lot to hear Lionel's aural rendition of the Phantom of the Opera.

I would have given a lot just to return to the pre-JAE OSSIS life.

I'd had nothing to do during the duty but to sit around. I had 2 hours to think about these things. And no one to share them with. Friends lost not only limit themselves to class. But squad mates from the St. John Squadron, friends from First Aid Club who would have given a lot to just be around to do the duty with me. Even friends from the little-known Fencing Club were not spared.

It was around lunch that I began to talk to the SCs manning the stations at the BBall court. I made a few new friends I guess.... Jia Hao (who was from NCC-Air and is obessessed with footdrill), Lay Queen from S22, Rachel (who sustained a broken arm due to an over enthusiastic cricket player during a dodgeball session). There were also two more others... but can't really remember their names. They are very friendly and very lame also.

After amazing race we went to the beach. There I found there were plenty of casualties. One had already been injured for over an hour when I reached. Dunno why they were waiting for me when there was already an FAider on the scene =/ One guy had nosebleed. The others all have cuts. Minor injuries but due to the sandy environment they were all very dirty and had to be thoroughly swabbed with antisepctic first.

I found it most irritating that even my own first aiders also pon-ned the thing. Like my FA kit has unlimited supplies.... bleah.

After that there was still no sign of the class coming back. I admit I was thinking of leaving myself. Sighz.... but then like, Dawn, Derek, Prap... they would give a lot to come back and do anything VJ related..... if I just left its like you're not taking the opportunity.

But the finale of the O2 was great. Everyone left the college and rendevoued at Suntec, at the fountain of wealth. Its an astounding sight to see hundreds of VJ people circling the fountain, running around in circles and generally acting crazy (uh-huh uh-huh).

And Dawn n Prap came by. Oh man, it was so great to see them again. Two days without them has seemed so long. Too long even.

And mass dance at the Fountain of Wealth was an experience like no other. Only managed whiney, tribal and I want you before suntec had to switch songs.... later managed la bamba as well... But it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Spray mingles with sweat and exhiliration as we pivoted through heels-toes, skidded across the glassy floor through assymtope, and spun through killer move. Every voice on all sides yelled out the prompting as every person gave their all in front of the bemused crowd at suntec. And watching hundreds of students doing the can-can at once all around the fountain, glowing in the light of the neon lamps is simply amazing. By the time we'd finished, everyone was soaked through with the mist flying from the fountain. The towers shook at the college population screamed their cheers. Feet ached as the students ran round the fountain and fought to keep their footing on the slippery floor. But we all had fun.

And the reunion of class members.... made me realise another thing. This was no ordinary friendship we could have cultivated in 05S15 in these three months. I'd always had worried that absence would cause us to tear apart. And I had always dreaded that, just as I had done when I left active service temporarily from St. John to take te Os.

But this friendship just grew stronger and the class just drew closer. I can't write as eloquently as my ChuaH counterpart can, especially at 12.41 am when I'm kinda incoherent. But I know that this is a class like no other that I've had before, when everyone is just so bonded. Where the friendship is just so strong. Where everyone cares for everyone else. I know just a few years back, the thought of losing classmates would have left a vacum where they had been. But now there is reassurance that we are and will still be connected even after seperation. I so so cannot describe the tears and yet the joy that was evident in today's meeting.

Seeing Prap and Dawn today was a tonic after the depression and loneliness which had been assailing my through the day. Abeit only for an evening, but we will always meet again. Although we are starting work, but yeah, its possible. When TJ and VJ are connected by 196 and 197, VJ and RJ are connected by 55.

Had a very late dinner and cake cutting.... haha... took photos again. Honestly I don't know what I look like without my specs, because I've never been able to see my face when I DO remove my specs... haha.... Then we pushed off home...

It was a fun day alright. Seeing everyone again was great and encouraging... they say "don't forget us". I won't. Not when I attend assembly in the morning. Not when I watch the sun rise through the grey light as I cycle to school. Not when you see the dedicated sports players streaking across the field. Not when you hear the piano in the concourse belt out the pulsing rhythmic beat for certain musicals.

So everyone take care yeah. God guard you all!

~JcZw~ at 11:50 pm

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

A blog essentially is a public diary I guess. I recall reading in one of junior's blogs before, that it may be seen as a sort of attention seeking behaviour? Heh, i guess I just use mine to vent stuff which I want to say. But you know, some things should be kept private at the end of the day. So if details have been omitted, I am aware of them.

One thought that kept bugging me was this. Over the last four years as a st. john member I've tended to more wounds, hyperventilations, contutions, and even a minor fracture than I can remember. Just recalling the sec. 3 inter-class street soccer tournament, I cannot recall how many people got serious cut on various parts of their anatomy. Literally every 5 min someone would yell "medic! st. john!"

You could say that I'd tended most common injuries together with my telepathic communication with my number 1. But these injuries are purely physical. It must be nice to be able to tend to mental and emotional hurts too. Because that needs EQ and not IQ. It makes you kind of helpless to see others worried, sad, or other things but you yourself can only give reassurance, and no more. There is no way to "immoblize" it or to "stop it" like you can do with a fracture or a cut.

Sometimes when you see someone, anyone hurt mentally, you are can be disappointed, angry at yourself, for you cannot do anything to help them. From certain members in my division to even now. Sometimes you wish you could do something, or anything to help them. To get rid of the source of their worry, or just cheer them up. But there is no mental first aid, no written rule as to how these should be done. No "proper procedure". Each case comes on its own. As such you don't know if what you've done is correct. You can only pray. And pray. But it sticks in your own mind.

I recall losing sleep over such an incident in sec. 2. But that turned out okay I guess, and that person and I are now quite inseperable outside of JC.

Woke and slept and woke and slept last night. Guess it ain't too good for the body. But I guess I did want to keep a constant eye on my phone in case anything happened. Up at 7.30. On with the computer access the website. Its Victoria. Okay. I was half-expecting that?

Parkway at 9 am after chatting to several people online.... Whoo! MSN was crowded that morning. Erm.... in order of conversation: Vibha, Dawn, Kenneth, Dory, Pei En, Xun Ai... erm yeah I think like that. If there are anymore... then oops, I'm sorry about it.

Anyway discussed abt cca walkabout with the other FAC exco nominees/volunteers. Xuan Yi was from Kong Hwa, same class as me... haha.... I'd known she was in st. john, but i'd never really kept up with her. I think she leads well n would make a good president... haha... Hilda was from St. Nicks. Her art seems quite good yeah... she's also good to work with. Went to buy sweets from da one dollar shop. Gonna do stretcher drill tml... hope we can lift people. Haven't done stretcher for a long time... true, there's my beloved AC2, but I haven't exactly DONE with them before.

Yow, went back to VJ to help bug the teachers. Definitely we will lose Dawn to RJ and Lionel to Australia. He's even leaving tomorrow! My goodness! Anyway, all the best to them and wish that they will be happy. And also wish that they will be as great a blessing to their new friends as they are to us. Derek n Prap are appealing for continued attendance. I think they do have a fighting chance to get in. Just hang on in there and don't give up. We will not be giving up either!

Then followed Mr Chong (Jonathan ChonG) to ECP to play frisbee, eat pizza... together with the other OSSIS people. I guess it evokes memories of the past, of the class playing together. After my extremely rhetorical entry on the morning on Feb 28 I guess I don't need anymore illustration of the fun we've had. Maybe its time to get down to studying, but its not yet. Not yet. Its on top of us, but not yet.

Had dinner... well.. sort of... with S15 after that. We were hanging ard waiting for Jonathan ChuaH to make his appearance. And when he finally appeared strolling along the path eating an ICE CREAM we just about felt like adjusting the collar of his shirt a good few inches shorter. Well, I prodded him quite a few times with my bottle, but I also missed a lot... Just shows how bad a fencer I am. Yup...so dinner, phototaking blahblah

It seems a pretty tame way to write a post after such an eventuful and emotional day, but I don't know... I have no particular compelling desire to be funny today. I guess the increased distance between friends ain't easy to bear, just like it was when we left AH. But it is a comforting thought to know that we are all ultimately connected through friendship, and through God.

Its going to be a night for thinking, recalling, maybe laughing, maybe something not so cheerful. But S15 will always be as it was when we'd started out. Happy, enthu, mad, famous among the Science Stream classes. And that is truly reassuring.

Everyone take care yeah. See y'all in the next few days!

~JcZw~ at 10:49 pm

Without question the monday of 21st March 2005 was the most injurious that I've lived through. Because of the presence of BOTH fencing AND PE on the same day.

Started with PE. When I heard the teacher say "4 rounds" i was kinda happy because I like to run (if thats not evident by now) even though I know by the end of the run I'll be dying for lack of breath. Moreover, lets leave it that I had a lot of negative energy to burn that day.

After 1 round much to the consternation of the Geralds, I broke away and ran off on my own. After 2 rounds much to the consternation of me, I began to get nauseous, i suspect because of the lack of warmup.
After 4 rounds Gerald small caught right up with me, forcing a sprint for the last 200m from both of us that nearly burst 2 pairs of lungs. So much for that then.

Next was floorball where I came a hairsbreath to sustaining two more injuries. Because of Trina. By right the head of the stick should not be lifted above the knee. Alright, she did not infringe that, I'll give her that. But first she struck me in the jaw with the end of the stick. Next she prodded me about 2cm from a sensitive area which should not be talked about =D. Must emphasize.... she did not do it on purpose... In fact I found it quite amusing then, but in retrospect it was really quite *whoa.

So by the time it came to post-pe I was quite sore.

By the time it came to fencing I was hoping I wouldn't take anymore violent hits. But 3 things happened which I didn't expect them to.

1. During drill, by right the armed person should aim only below the yellow area of the VJ PE shirt because with the plastic swords one doesn't need a mask. But my partner, with a remarkable lack of point control, whipped his sword above the supposed target area, evaded a desperate parry (which i wasn't prepared to do actually, because i was supposed to stand and get hit), and stuck my face in the left orbital bone of my eye. I'd shudder to think of what it'd have been if the point had been just a centimeter lower.

2. We learnt how to do the fleche. For those whom I haven't told what that is, its a running leaping attack. You run at your opponent, hit him, then run past him off the piste forcing a "halt". So i was practising with my plastic sword on the dummy. I ran at the feller, hit him, crashed into the wall behind, the plastic blade richochetted and... well.... finished off what Trina tried to start this morning. Ouch. I was staggering doubled up ard the room with my friends laughing like mad...

3. During the mock bout against a girl from.... S28 i think... I couldn't move properly because of the above-mentioned incident. Moreover I was holding back cos she was sick. Next I was suffering from a slight headache. Last she received a two-point handicap from the coach, which meant that the score started 0-2 in favour of her. And the first one to 5 points would win. Okay, my timing was bad. I got thrashed 5-1. Mainly cos of the first reason, couldn't move fast enough. =/

Yups. So ended a very interesting day. I should have worn my PE shirt which shows that I have obviously vented my liver. Ouch... haha

~JcZw~ at 7:59 am

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Its been some time since I did anything fruitful with the St. John division. But I think I managed to do some in the past few days, as well as experiencing some weird, fun, traumatising (heh) sights.

On Monday we went to HQ at beach road to play with their ambulances to put it unprofessionally. I'll say one thing about AC2... I'm really proud of their footdrill. Credit also to Tun Liang and Wei Lun for training them while I've been scattering myself between an overwhelming number of commitments (they ain't many, but they are still overwhelming). Their first aid.... well.... at least we still have a few months for improvement yeah =) But yes, there are signs of them becoming better already.

During lunch, Evelyn, Si Hui and I witnessed a sight that left us weak and shaking. We saw a gigantic COCKROACH crawling on the BACK of a MAN who was just sitting BEHIND me!!! It was huge! The largest arachnid I've ever seen in my life! Bar the ones from "Eight-legged freaks". It was crawling towards his neck and its feelers were already in the feller's hair!!! Eeeeks!! Mustering every inch of nerve I could, I used my handphone cover to swipe it off.

Out of the frying pan into the fire. The horrendous thingy flew across the room and landed on the BARE LEG of another man sitting there! Eve n Si Hui n I were totally freaked out. The man whom I had just rid of the cockroach turned around and asked me why I hit him. I explained to him (in chinese! I actually spoke chinese!) about his eight-legged friend strolling around on his blind spot. I think he was quite freaked out as well. I'm sure that the cockcroach was big enough to make a grown man run screaming out of the room.

Back to HQ (we cleared out as quickly as possible). After doing some cases my team went to go toy with the ambulance, after having to chase some DHSJAB-ers away. Their SNCO-in-charge was one of the members of the VJ FAC... heh... so they recognized me also. Too bad I'm like only a teeny Corporal (even derek is like twice my rank) so I needed my teacher around. Yeah... they revised the procedure quickly enough.

I recall a few years back when after securing the stretcher and preparing to ram it back into the ambulance, as we lifted it we didn't hear the joint click. But we let it rest anyway. Result was that we nearly dropped the feller.. hehz.

Yeah, taught them how to load ambulance with 4 members, 2 members or alone. Then we did a routine TOC route which led to the second bit of excitement for the day.

Behind the HQ was a narrow route which is usually suitable for two-man-carrier, that is, two men carrying the stretcher instead of four. As we reached the end of this unkempt pathway we were blocked by a pot of plants. And while I was standing there waiting for them to past, a gigantic (theres something about this area that makes all the creepy-crawlies gigantic) chameleon charged at me before skidding past and running up the wall. Chameleons don't scare me, but the rush and the sudden movement after the slow but sure progress of the stretcher team nearly caused my heart to stop. No VTOL aircraft took off faster than James and I jumped. Pah. Hehz... but amusing in retrospect I guess....

Then back to footdrill. I think with Dunman High staring at them they had much greater motivation. It was the best format I've ever seen them do in my life! Haha..... well done guys!

Yup.... so ended an interesting monday.

(Tuesday was pretty normal. Nothing much to say except that nearly deafened by certain nursing teams... hehz)

~JcZw~ at 5:20 pm

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Just thought I'd commemorate of the most memorable incidents in my 4 years of St. John. Few people, even from my squad know about it. It took place in 2003 during one of the public duties.

The sun blazed mercilessly down on the stadium, on the thousand primary school students seated there. They were cheering for their runners who blasted down the track, sweat streaming off as they contested not only the elements of the arid weather but also that of their fellow competitors.

Among the many people attending the event, at four corners of the stadium stood groups of two, three or four people. Clad in black pants or skirts, white shirts tucked in at waist and smoothed to the neck, jet black berets pulled down over the right ear. On both sleeves blazed the insignia of a silver eight pointed cross on a black background. Around each two points was the image of a unicorn and a horse, alternating. For these were the first aiders of the St. John Ambulance Brigade. At the feet of each group lay the red, black or green boxes containing every piece of equipment anticipated that would be needed for the event.

A few of the first aiders wore slightly different insignias. Their berets held a larger crest, with a ribbon image trailing from beneath the cross. On their right sleeves they bore a white rimmed black stripe. Lance Corporal of the Anglican High St. John Ambulance Brigade. First Aid Leaders of the teams they supervised.

At this particular time all first aiders stood at parade rests at their posts, eyes roving from time to the time across the crowd for signs of distress. Occasionally they drew a drink from their bottles. It would not do for they themselves to become casualties. And they talked intermittently to each other. The general air was that of relaxation for it was rare of any first aid scenarios, least of all serious ones, to occur at such events.

So it was when the event came to an end and one of the First Aid Leaders ran around the track to recall first aid teams who did not reply to their handphone calls. When he reached the furthest team, they reported an anomaly in the otherwise accident-free environment.

"O/C, that man in the car has been horning at us for sometime."
"You didn't go and check?"
"No O/C."
"Okay. Pack up first. I'll go to check it out"

The junior first aiders repacked their first aid kit and were about to leave when one of them turned back. "O/C, do you need help?"

The first aider heasitated. He should have replied yes. But being ignorant of the enormity of the incident, he just said "No. It should be okay." Still, it was with a certain measure of trepidation that he approached the car, quickening his pace, boots cracking against the asphalt, as he noticed the driver slumped weakly over the steering wheel.

"Sir, are you okay?"

The driver glanced up.
"No," he stuttered. Recognition flashed through the St. John member's eyes, as he recalled this elderly man running in the old boy's race not half an hour ago. "Can't really breathe... seems very stuffy.." he muttered. Hyperventilation, asthma, heart problems, angina, flashed through the first aider's mind. He was suddenly painfully aware that he had no first aid equipment with him, nor did he have any spare members to get help with.

"Sir can you sit up?" The driver leaned painfully back, then hauled himself out of the car, making an obvious effort. He ran forward and holding him by the hand, eased him out of the car onto the nearby grass verge. "Do you have any medical condition?" A shake of the head showed a negative reply. "Heart problems or anything?" Again no. "Do you have any medication?" Still no.

Okay. He had done all he could, now he just supported the man with his leg, foot against the base of the spine, hands across the casualty's shoulders. Then, even as he began to regulate the man's ragged breathing, even as he mentally reviewed emergency procedures, he reached for his handphone, speed-dialled the second FAL and was about to depress the green button when the man's breathing became regular.

"Okay, I think I feel better now." Those were the sweetest words he could have wished to hear. After scaring himself half to death, the only thing that was needed was some regularizing of breathing. But the man's condition did not seem to fit anything that he had learnt before, nor did it fit the case history. So he told the man everything he knew about consulting a doctor if the condition became worst etcetc. The man smiled his assent and waved him away. With a swift "thank you sir" the St. John member sprang to his feet and retreated back to the shade of the first aid post.

Later on he discovered that the man had driven off. He never knew what really happened, nor whether anything subsequently happened to that man. But he prayed that nothing did. For if it had been a heart problem, it would have been a miricle that the casualty could stay in a stuffy car for half an hour calling for assistance without passing out. But the experience he'd gained from this incident he would retain until the present day.

~JcZw~ at 10:02 pm

Just came back from a short hop to Peninsular Malaysia. A saturday and a sunday. A unique trip, for it was no ordinary holiday.

My first impression I retain of my paternal grandfather was that he was a stern but kindly person. He usually looked serious and rarely smiled (or that i can remember then). I recall that whenever we visited him in KL (my father was formerly from Malaysia) he would offer a lot of things to us to eat. I remember being slightly nervous of being around him, for he talked very loudly and scarily, although of course, he didn't mean to. Heh... such were the memories of a primary school child.

As I grew older and began to understand more things, I recall more qualities about him. He was a very active person. Whenever we visitied him he would take us out to many places, bring us little people to roam the large garden of the house to pluck rambutans from his tree. Heh. The result would be us running about trying to evade red, hairy, falling fruit. He was very fit, and even my maternal grandparents admired him for that.

I also found that he had a passion for soccer and was an avid fan of Arsenal. In 2002 we were visiting him at the height of the World Cup. Many evenings were spent watching England vs. Denmark, Spain vs. South Korea etcetc

We'd never talked much, besides the courtesy "Good morning/night/evening" and the usual "have you eaten enough", "how are you" (a routine question after we'd stepped out of the car when we arrive). But occasianally he'd asked me about school. He'd congratulated me with one of his rare smiles when I'd got my promotion to commander of my St. John unit. He was happy for my prelim results at the end of 2004.

I think the last time we had a one-to-one conversation was in the middle of the December 2004 holidays, when he came to stay for Christmas. He'd asked me what position I played in soccer. When I told him "goalkeeper" he had replied "That's a responsible job". I'd smiled wryly when I'd thought about all the blunders I had made but I left it at that.

Christmas came and went. I received my posting to VJC and was happily talking to Wei Lun online on 1st January 2005. New years day 3.35 pm.

A phone call. I heard the word AMI ---> Acute Myocardial Infarction ---> Heart Attack.

It doesn't take a genius to realise what had happened that day. If I froze up at the conversation at that time, well, my psychic team leader, you know what happened.

The first and second days of school was quiet. My parents and my sister on whom I had relied so much on to guide me through my first few days of bewilderment left for Malaysia in a hurry. I was torn between following them or going to school. My parents in the end asked my brother and I to stay for I was starting a new school, and him a new class. So we stayed.

Christmas 2004 had been an eventful one. My grandfather who had always resisted any mention of Christianity, this time seemed touched by the message, listening to the pastor and my mother, and this time accepting what they told them instead of resisting. But when we'd offered to pray for him, he did not want to.

Maybe though. They say a man can tell when he is not feeling well. Maybe he had made his own transaction with God. Why not? Anything could happen. But its all ultimately in God's hands. Since he is in charge of everything.

So it was that on Saturday we bore the ashes of my grandfather out by boat to the Straits of Malacca. The sea heaved with gentle swells as my father poured the ashes into the water. The sun blazed through the haze as we took turns to toss flowers into the water. They were the last things we saw as the boat dispered them with its creamy wake. I think everyone was not particularly sad or anything. We believed that my grandfather was now with God in heaven, in a better place, so to speak.

We had a good time in Port Dickson over the weekend. Besides the short time of commemorating the passing away of my grandfather, we also hung around in the hotel, slacked, ate, got fat, kayaked (Nearly knocked my sister's head off in a moment of unsynchronisation). Spent a few hours scrunched up in the car there and back.

Yeah.... so it was an interesting trip. True, all of us felt a loss of a loved one. But y'know, when you know that God is in charge, it is much more comforting.

"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good. His love endures forever" Pslams 107

=)

~JcZw~ at 8:07 pm

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Well... its been a hectic few days... slipping in and out of bad moods and into euphoria etcetc... Just like extreme temperature changes bring about shock, I bet this brings about shock too... psychogenic shock... yeah..... hehz

Did a bit of reflection on the subject of Chinese. I guess its for a reason that I'm in this class yeah, after all God is in charge of wherever I go. So all that remains is for me to do my best. And if I can prove myself to do well, then so be it. Really was feeling irritated and incoherent two nights ago.... I hit the enter key realllyyyyy hard after I finished the post... I was waiting for the keys to drop off the keyboard. Hehz... About the teacher, maybe she ain't that bad... After all Alon and Xun-Ai at least don't seem to really hate her or anything.

Fencing on tuesday proceeded pretty much the same. As in, I got thrashed as usual. They are going off to Malaysia this friday for the Selangor Open. I'm also going to Malaysia for a different reason. Heh. So on tuesday they were just training for it. And after each training session they'll come n practise on people like me. 15-6, 15-11, 15-11, 15-3 (By an RJ guy who twirled his blade so fast by the time I parried sixte he was coming at me from octave). I nearly broke my blade. These cheapy China blades are so soft yet not all that flexible. Bend it too much and it would break. Hong Mun the VJ captain came in the middle of the training. I quickly went and hid behind the wall... haha... i prefer it when people don't know I'm from fencing, then they would not expect so much of me. Lucky I don't have the habit of removing my suit after each bout, or he would have had an eyeful of the VJ PE shirt. Hehz.

Anyway my sword is now in quite bad condition. Haiyo. Its kind of crazily bent. Like, all over the place. Since the tip is always covered with tape I also cannot tell if its straight or not.

Judith really knows how to give incapaciating blows. Her first hit landed off on my unprotected left hand. The next hit off on my thigh which was only covered by a pair of track pants. It was enough to make me want to roll over and die. Haha....

Wednesday... things started looking up. Had a lot of fun taking pics after school. Although the 2100 doesn't have the same functions. Everyone was like taking pics, sharing pics. Now all in the MSN grp. Hehz. Bluetooth? I only have white teeth lar. Whatever. After that we had make-up chinese lesson... which was like kinda okay. Then hung around in the canteen with prap, dawn, lionel, li ling etc etc Talked n talked n talked n talked. Haha.... fun.... Haiyo, discovered that my chem is quite horrendous.. So much for being the chem rep lar.

Today... woke relatively early, so took a leisurely cycle to school. Front wheel was squeaking so I didn't try anything too fast. Although when I stopped and checked it everything still looked pretty okay. No problems with the brake disc. The days are also becoming cooler, at least I don't sweat so much as last time.

Chem AND physics test/quiz/review on the same day lar! Chemistry was kinda stupid, cos I have never seen such chemicals as NH4 VO3 in my life. Nor did I know that KCLO3 could disproportionate into KCLO4 and KCL. Haiyo. I think I will fail. AGAIN. At least this one is meant to be hard, but I bet everyone will like do better. Like I said, I was sabo-ed into being chem rep, not by choice... although I admit that I told certain people that if I had to be sabo-ed into anything, I'd prefer chemistry to other subjects. My keretin was falling like a miniature snow-storm.

Physics wasn't that much better, although its was more okay. Just keep thinking that s = seconds a.k.a. time instead of displacement. But had to stay back for quite a time before I finished it.

After that stayed back and talked to people... Talked to Dawn... It was fun talking to her... haven't really been able to talk to someone like I used to with the SJers for a long time... Dawn is really a special individual to our class yeah... just as is everyone else... she's always like cheerful and good-natured, even though sometimes she also does have her own problems yeah.... Oh... n she reminds me so much about my sister! Haha... some ppl who read this will know why.

Yup, so went the past 3 days.... Yez, things are looking up... I guess I'll trust God to keep things that way if its meant to be

Gotta go back to my work liao, g'night!

~JcZw~ at 7:36 pm

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Great. Things were just looking up, and now it looks like downhill all the way.

The first indication was when the *bleep* tagboard went down. Well, I'm giving it one more day to reload, if not I'm gonna convert to flooble.... Went surfing other blogs... ChuaH's one also seems down, so is my squad blog one... bleah...

Second indication was when fencing on monday was brought forward so that in the end it DID clash with SLV. Oh well... SLV was fun yeah... although I think we scared the kids with our mass dances? Hehz... if I saw a crowd of gigantic people coming at me yelling "ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah" I would like scream and run away.

Tuesday. Sighz. Seems that every teacher that I go to about taking various subjects just thinks that I can't do it. Well, it seems IMPROBABLE that a person can study higher chinese intensively for 2/3s of 2004 and STILL get a stupid D7. Fine lar, my fault. I can't believe I was still telling my friend that it was an easy paper on 1st nov 2004. Okay fine, I must have fouled up my compo or compre or something. And thats a stupid waste of 4 years of taking higher chinese. Ultimately I'll still have to take again. Huh.

Huh

Huh

Huh

And so off we go to see the teacher and she tells me that the moment she saw my handwriting she knew I couldn't make it. Yeah right. YEAH RIGHT. The moment I saw her hairstyle I thought she was a trifle eccentric too. Huh. She can judge people by their HANDWRITING? Like real lor. Anyway she was like realllll encouraging. Every chinese teacher from my tuition teacher to this teacher doesn't believe that I tried my best.

Because they didn't actually SEE me studying.

To the typical singaporean its just unbelievable that you can study for so long and still fail. Heck, its even unbelievable to me lor. I'm trying to figure out two things. How did I get D7 for HCL and how did I get 7 for my L1R5 when I spent my whole time studying higher chinese and neglecting the rest of my subjects. Everything else I kind of only studied for one day lar, but higher chinese by the actual day of the exam I could virtually memorise the sec 3 and 4 shou ce. I could do all the tian xie and all the zao ju perfectly lar.

And when I told that to my teachers they just said "are you sure your perfect is the perfect of the standard of others". Wah. So not insulting. Its enough to make people turn caucasian. Not that I want to, of course. But come on lar. Sometimes I feel just like exploding and throwing some stuff at certain things. Or people.

Some people ask me why sometimes I just stone and don't do anything. Why I can suddenly freeze up. Its because certain parties have not simply TOUCHED a raw nerve. They have HAMMERED a raw nerve until the only emotion left is anger. Do teachers expect students to perform better through anger?

I can like act so fake in school. Act like my battery is full. I used to wonder what it was that made me feel down besides the fact that people are going to leave the class. I know now. Its because I would have to face this. Which I totally don't understand how previously I could study for a week and get a B3. And this time. Whatever. Other people wouldn't understand. Because there is no one else in the same situation. Except maybe one. But that person's character is so different from mine.

I've heard it all.

"Wah! You can take higher chinese arh?"
"Your chinese cannot make it lar"
"You studied enough or not?"

Theres much more than that. It was bad enough when my CL2 got a pathetic B3 in sec. 3. That should have been an indication. But I thought I could do it. Thats why the moment I got back my CL2 results I studied harder than ever for HCL. And the result was even worst.

Can someone tell me why? I bet not. Its becoming difficult to sleep at night. There are just so many things to think of. 5 less periods of free time I can take. But DO NOT insult the efforts I've put in.

Ever heard the phrase "If you succeed in your dream you are a hero. If you fail you are just a dreamer and a fool". I hear it all the time nowadays. Ringing through my head.

Laugh. Go on, laugh. I don't care. What does it matter anyway. I have friends who know me, whether they're in VJ or not. I have God who has planned my life and the path I will take.

So we shall see. If I can do well at the end of this year. If I can, I will be a "hero". If I can't I will just remain a dreamer and a fool.

Bleahh

=(
=(

~JcZw~ at 11:08 pm

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Its hard to think of topics to write on nowadays, but at least some incidents still stand out.

Cycling back and forth to school always provided sometime to think about the day, or, if it was cycling to school, then thinking about what to do that day. And of course, it provides the odd bit of excitement. Such as last friday when a brake disc loosened while I was cycling downhill. Managed to brake with the rear brake only, since the front brake was already almost fouled in the spooks of the wheel, but it caused the bike to slip a lot. Later on found out that the front wheel was ALSO loose from its bearings! It would have been a pretty sight if the whole thing had detached while rushing to school.

But this friday there was little time. Because all I was thinking about was getting to Anglican as soon as possible. Music fest and SLV had me torn between going back for CCA versus staying back to carry out what I had to do in VJ. In the end I compromised and, with apologies to Gerald, went for music fest but not for SLV. Sometimes its really tiring to think about rushing back and forth. Okay, there is a direct bus 31, but its very slow and usually packed to capacity. I haven't been back for St. John for a substantial period of time for a long while, my competition team, I feel, has been abandoned by their seemingly vaunted team instructor. I'd promised the seniors I would come back last time. But apparently my schedule just does not allow for such things. So on friday I was tearing back along the Siglap Park Connector (mercifully it was empty), with the wind blowing against me. When I tell people that wind affects cycling, many of them think I exaggerate. But it is no exaggeration. Cycling into the wind is like trying to cycle through a thick liquid.

Its just a frustrating thought that I'd promised myself to commit to two vastly different sectors. Theoretically they should work out, but in reality there will be times when I have to sacrifice one for the other or vice versa. And for these "certain times" I am really very sorry to the people that I left for the other. It sometimes leaves me feeling quite low EQ as well.

So back to friday. I simply deposited my bike then ran back out to the road, caught a bus almost instantly, but only managed to reach at 5.15, just as activities were wrapping up. The only fruitful thing I did was to talk to the other seniors.

After cca.... I talked to some of the juniors also... sabrina, wong li ting... haven't talked to them for a very long time. It seems an age ago since competition training in december. It seems even longer when I still commanded the division, when I lead a contingent during the school National Day Parade. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't get detached from the various cadets who were as loyal to my squad's leadership as, we hope, we had been to them.

Also talked to some of the new sec. 1s who came in. Jun Hao, Siew (Siu? Xiu?) Min and Angela. They certainly look like they will become another high potential batch, just as their predecessors are. AHSJAB seems to be going through a rought patch, but with all the new people coming in, I'd say that in the next 5 years we will still have a fighting chance... A realistic chance to ive DHS a run for their money at the national competition. I'm not saying the present division is lousy or what... just that it took some time for it to decline, and therefore will take sometime for it to regain its previous champion status (For every action theres an equal and opposite reaction).

Back to the topic. They were doing footdrill after CCA!! So either they are mad or they are enthu. Usually its a combination of both. I recall AA2 2004 was a mad team as well. Then after that we sat down and were talking about camp, about topography blahblah. I also shared some anecdotes about JC life... hehez.

After that I went out to dinner with my squadmates, a couple of juniors and some seniors. Si Hui, Wei Lun, Wei Quan, Evelyn and Soo Yee, from my squadron. Went to Bedok Mac, ate a lot, talked a lot. And compared notes on JC life. Apparently all our JC friends consider us lame. LAME? Okayyy.... so AHSJAB is cold, which is a fact that I am in fact very proud of =)) Soo Yee has a friend who likes the way she says "yeah man". Well, I have a lot of friends who have their own unique ways of saying a lot of things.... righttt??? heheheh

Yeah then after dinner after we got up from the table wei lun discovered a wallet. Evelyn's wallet to be exact. So I ran out and asked Evelyn if she could check for her EZ-link card. And I payed a very hefty price for trying to be funny. When she asked me for her wallet, and I truthfully said that I didn't have it, she pinched me on the left arm so hard the whole limb when numb, and she sustained the pinch for a reeel long time. I only managed to escape when I weakly brought my file down onto her hand in what I thought was a light tap, but because the file was heavy (thanks to all the bio notes), I knocked her hand away quite hard, and resulted in the both of us staggering around the front of MacDonalds clutching various parts of our anatomy. Again, we see that for every action theres and equal and opposite reaction.

So ended my quite eventful day on friday. I was reminded of my days with AHSJAB when reading the line that I'd told Crystal about a few months back, about the emergency medical technicians in America, and the line "to save a life must be the best feeling in the world". Really miss all the times we had together.

Some say that through life one bunch of friends will replace another, but for others, like me, one bunch of friends will simply ADD to another. And I hope it dontinues to do so.

~JcZw~ at 10:08 pm

Thursday, March 03, 2005

So JAE has come and now every dragon baby is desperately trying to log onto the JIS to register.. Well well, an efficient system indeed, I don't think. They could have experimented on a smaller cohort. Spent i-don't-know-how-long today in the computer lab in school waiting for the thing to load. Can't really complain though.... Lionel and Li Ling were keeping vigil over the computers for even longer than I was.

Too add to irritation, stupid doodleboard has shut down its system without even telling us users about it, hence the change in my tagboard.... And I thought it was due to my uploading of pictures? pah!

Okay. Should stop complaining then. Many things have happened since results came out. On Tuesday, happily all Victorians did not have school, so in the morning I went out with Evelyn and Soo Yee.... Wei Quan should have come along to make up the four of us, but Temasek didn't allow its people to leave, so he couldn't come. Spent the morning in Tampines MacDonalds catching up about our various JCs as well as St. John life.

Interesting meal we, or rather, I, had too. When I opened my coffee to pour in the sugar I discovered a broken packet of pepper. PEPPER!!! which has burst open at the seams. So presumably the bottom layer of my coffee was a layer of pepper. I was like "...." Boy, if I was in America I could have sued the company. Anyway I drank it in the end, cos I felt too inactive to get up and complain. Didn't drink the last layer though. Anyway Soo Yee helped me take a picture of possibly the most unique *ahem* cup of coffee i've ever drunk. Curiously enough I didn't feel very high, despite the infusion of caffeine. Maybe pepper neutralizes caffeine.

Then in the afternoon went out with the OSSIS people. Not many people came though. Maybe everyone was still, like me, suffering from aftershock. Went cycling... we cycled to Bedok jetty (where desmond ran his bike into one of the anti-vehicle posts), hung around the breakwater at the eastern end of the ECP watching the aircraft. Stella, Gerry, ChuaH, Derek, Lionel, Desmond and Alon. Didn't have much xing qing for the outing. As in, it was fun and all that, but the number of people was very low, and all of us knew that we almost certainly would take a few losses from our class.

At night there was fencing again. Cos of that I couldn't go out for dinner with the OSSIS people... sighz... but the mood there was more fun, because the Year 1 fencers had done not too badly. I and Wei Yang from RJ both got 7, Joseph from MI got 12 and another guy, whos name I dunno got 10. I avenged King Edward hall by beating Wei Yang 15-8, but lost to Joseph 15-4. Bleah. I was fencing with Nico and leading 4-3 when his wires began to give problems, so again we had to cut short our match. Most of them will be going to Malaysia for the Selangor Open or something like that in a little over a weeks time. Good for them... hahaz... can't join them due to some... reasons... Joseph or Nico hit me hard enough on my right collarbone so that the force penetrated both my silver scoring jacket AND the protective suit to break the skin and cause a slight bruise and abrasion. My goodness.... hehz... on the other hand i'm pretty sure I've injured a lot of other people too last time, especially my father.... so I guess it evens out in the end.

School on wednesday and today is little more than a blur. I can't really remember what we've been doing besides making a lot of noise in Bio tuitorial, probably because I'm tired with staying up all night, until 12++ am trying to apply for my JAE. Happily my father just told me that the MOE has extended the deadline to Monday, due to the overwhelming needs of the students. Oh... I really wish I could feedback some stuff to the MOE. It wold include a cut out from Readers' Digest about the consequences of lack of sleep.

Oh yeah... its kind of likely that our class would take losses. Really don't want anyone to leave, but then also its kinda selfish to think of it that way. But I trust that God would guide me where he wants me to go from Victoria anyway. Hehz, I'll be doing my best to follow in the footsteps of my sister. As Soo Yee told me, tian xia wu bu san zi yan xi... yeah, I know that, we all have different paths to take. Its just that this time it was so fast. It just proves that time is relative... depending on whether you're having fun or not. Anyway, whoever leaves, if anyone does at all, we would wish you all the best in whatever you do =) And we will always be 05S15. We'll always be able to meet up again. Rarely, its true, but we will.

Yeah. Lastly was about my chinese.... Been gathering opinions over the past few days whether to retake or not... I guess its fairly split down the middle, if I consider that my mother and my sister are encouraging me to retake. =)

Yup.. thats about it for tonight... feeling really incoherent. I'll write a better one when I get back to normal, and my cold generator begins receiving electricity.

And thanks for dory n xun-ai n xiaoquan for being around for me to spit things out to too during my unusually burnt out state.... =) Take care everyone!

~JcZw~ at 6:25 pm

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Okay. I know I'm lag at this. Please be a bit understanding. I've been feeling a bit weird over the past few days. Like no energy. No particular desire to be quick or cold as usual. Its just like theres no battery. Maybe I should stick my hand into the giant electric socket in V48. The following description of JAE is not being dramatized, although it seems so. Its what actually happened.

JAE came and went and left me gasping. The morning was the worst one I have ever known. Slept at 1.30 am and woke at 7.30, not long after my brother had pushed off to school. I went online and talked to several classmates. I can't really remember who, its all a blur now. Geraldine and Li Ling, I think.

Left at 1 pm, with my mother's voice dinning in my ears that no matter what the result just call back and tell her.

I reached school and when I stepped in I promptly broke into a cold sweat. I just couldn't think about what it would be like if I had to leave VJ. Or if my friends couldn't stay. I walked past the classrooms which had been so familiar just a short time ago, straing straight ahead, hoping I wouldn't meet anyone I knew. Teachers walking past stared at my sports shoes, the red and gold badge on my collar, and probably at the expression on my face and they probably knew I was one of the 384 students coming back.

At the hall I met Wei Quan and some other Mount Kinabalu people. All the netball girls were there I think... They also wished us well, and I really hope I didn't disappoint them. All my classmates were streaming in. Green of Temasek, red of Catholic Junior College, silver of Meridien, and of course the few of us from Victoria. Janice, Qi Xin, Li Shan, Wei Lun, Evelyn, Lu jia etcetc were all back.

I barely heard the statistics as the new principal read them off. Our average L1R5 was 10.70. Apparently we shattered AH record by at least 1.5 points or something. Not bad. But one caused my heart to freeze. As if something had just dislocated the atrium from the ventricle.

Higher Chinese.

65% pass.

I knew I wasn't in the top 65% of the school. Definitely not.

I can't remember how I got my yearbook and my JAE booklet. I was focusing on the result slips in Mr Peach's hand. He was not long in calling my name either.

He glanced at my slip

"Not bad. You ought to be happy with that". I smiled back nervously and looked at it. And nearly choked.

One and two and one and one and one and two. But right at the bottom, next to the row titled "Higher Chinese". I saw a 5 letter word. I dimly felt my phone buzz. The toneless beep of a message. I withdrew my phone, trying desperately to make out what that word was. The letters ran into each other.

Seven. I'd failed the subject I had spent 2/3 of the year concentrating on.

I think I stared at it for about 5 seconds. I think everyone was staring at me also, as people would when assessing the reaction of each others results. And, my friends told me later, they could tell something was amiss.

I think I was stupid to have focused on the 7 at the bottom of the sheet, instead of the 7 that my L1R5 was. In my mind dimly I recall my sister getting 7 for HER os. I could recall that a person with 7 could safely stay in VJ. I should have been happy that my sciences got 1 and 2, vindicating the thoughts that I was lousy at physics.

I didn't. It was a childish, futile display of anger when I struck the ground so hard that my hand went numb, the phone creaking ominously in its case. As if in cue, it buzzed with a short beep. The words "Home" were flashing on its LCD screen. I couldn't recall what number was "Home" or what it symbolized. I picked up the phone and answered.

The resulting exchange was pretty much what I'd expected. I think I was crying and laughing. I saw Wei Lun stooping in front of me

"Hey Jonana! You okay not?" I couldn't talk. But he knew. He'd known me for four years ever since we'd been the two shortest people in the squad in sec. 1. He'd comforted me when I'd got B3 for chinese in sec. 3. He'd recognized the signs again.

I can't remember what I said, but I think I managed to convey that my higher chinese was about the same as the cost of 1 and a half rostis in marche. But he was laughing, thumping me on the back, telling me, as he had done the other time, with the utter flamboyance, that he'd done as badly.

Its unique in Wei Lun that he reacted like this. To others, and if it came from others, it would probably have seemed insensitive. But not from him. His was an optimistic its-not-as-bad-as-it-looks-focus-on-the-bright-side stand. Which I appreciate very much =)

I looked around. Evelyn and Wei Quan. Soo Yee. They were all happy, laughing about their results. I had the best L1R5 among them, yet I was the most upset. That was stupid. Utterly and totally. I can't remember exactly how I'd recovered. But the sensation of utter happiness and sadness at the same time was scary.

And the SMSes had been pouring in. But the first person I'd contacted was my sister in NUS. She reassured me that it was okay, and that it wouldn't affect me as much as I thought it would have. Then I replied messages from Derek and Li Ling. I called MaryAnn from OASIS and duly reported as she had requested the day before. I managed to get Dory and Dawn, and much later on, Jon ChuaH. A few hours later I also managed to SMS Stella.

JAE took its toll on all of us, both emotioinal and mental. Things seem to have changed. As I told Li Ling not 15 minutes ago, one week ago I could imagine our class still together for two years, and the only worries had was for myself. But now it seems that our class could take up to 8 losses. And which students could be good enough to replace them? The class which usually was so lively and enthu has suddenly become very dampened. Quiet.

I felt as bad when I was pulled out of the St. John division. Never envisioned it could happen again so fast.

I don't know. I don't know. But hopefully at the end of the day everything will be sorted out. Don't get me wrong, I am happy and thankful to God that I managed to get 7. But now everything that I had looked forward to for the past 2 months seems to be falling apart.

Hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. Don't mean to put anyone down or anything.... Just feeling kinda sad. Have you noticed the lack of activity in our class today? I think they feel it too.

~JcZw~ at 6:09 pm